It’s a feeling that is frustrating to explain because it doesn’t make sense to me some days. I can be fine one minute and then before I know I’m biting my nails, heart racing, hot, sweaty, and irritable. My mind starting going crazy and it becomes hard to focus. I find myself worrying all the time. Are my kids okay? Will I have the money for the rent? What if I lose my job? Does he still love me? Why can’t I stop worrying? Some many questions and concerns that I have no answers to. I don’t even know why I be thinking some of the thoughts that be going through my head. I’m constantly freaking out over things that I know I can’t change. Like the fact that I just had twins and was on maternity leave with no pay for 8 weeks. I know that times was going to be hard for a while and once I got back working I was going to be playing catch up but yet and still I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts of how I’m not doing enough when really I’m doing the best I can.
Some days are better than others. I don’t think about harming myself or my children. I’m happy 85% of the time but yet and still I feel off balanced. Yes, I cry sometimes but I blame that on hormones. So what is this feeling I’ve been feeling? Well I did some research on postpartum depression and came across a post about postpartum anxiety. It’s not as popular as postpartum depression but at least 10% of women suffer from it. I want to believe I am included in the 10%.
Unfortunately, postpartum anxiety isn’t the disorder that's talked about most, so many moms, such as myself, aren't sure what to think once they start experiencing these worrisome feelings. Postpartum anxiety can cause changes in eating and sleeping. Dizziness, hot flashes, rapid heartbeat, and nausea can all be signs of PPA, as well as the inability to sit still or focus on a particular task at hand. All these things I’ve been experiencing these past three months.
I haven’t been able to talk to anyone besides my boyfriend about it in fear that people will judge me or say I’m over exaggerating but I know that the only way things will get better is by opening up and talking about my problem. I’m still figuring it out but I know I cannot do this alone. So I’m writing this post to raise awareness about postpartum anxiety in hope that some mommy is out there struggling with the same thing and we can help one another. Let’s keep reminding ourselves to keep going and have faith that God will change our situation.