“Hey! Im Kyseana , Poohdee, or Key Key. I’m 25. I’m a broken , yet strong, smart, caring single parent with two very handsome, intelligent boys whom I love with every bone in my body.”
RAVEN: What has motherhood been like for you?
KYSEANA: Whew. Motherhood has been so challenging and rewarding all in one. It’s like an adrenaline rush at times. It’s the greatest experience any female can go through. It’s priceless. It’s stressful. It’s teaching. Motherhood has been everything under the sun for me. It’s not something anyone will ever be fully prepared for, you just put your big girl pants on and do it. There’s no better feeling in the world than knowing that another human being loves you unconditionally no matter what. There is no greater love than the love a child has for their mother.
RAVEN: Today marks 7 years since the father of your first born was murdered.. What has life been like for you these past 7 years raising your son without his father?
KYSEANA: The last 7 years has been humbling. We’ve had our lows and darkest days, but we’ve also had the brightest days to share together. My goal for him since that tramatic day was to allow our son to live his life without a care in the world. There’s just some things a father has to be present for to raise a child. We’ve been through so much together. My son has seen me at my lowest and highest. We’ve cried together, laughed together, we’ve prayed together. Everything we do is together. We have such an amazing bond and I am forever grateful that Jamel was able to leave behind such a priceless, irreplaceable gift.
RAVEN: How do you explain to your son that his father isn’t coming back?
KYSEANA: It’s strange, my son pretty much knows and understands how death and the cycle of life works already. As soon as I gave birth to my son he knew mommy and daddy loved him no matter what. At a very young age, my mom, Jamel’s mom and myself has explained to baby Jamel that daddy is in a better place. He knows that he will never be able to physically see him, but he will talk to him anytime of the day. It has gotten harder in ways but easier in other ways to talk about it with him. As a baby and toddler I could just sit and talk to him and cry and not have answer the questions he would ask. It made it easier to explain and get emotions out at the same time. Now that he’s older, I have to hold back those tears and answer any questions he may have no matter how hard it may be. I owe 100% honest answers to him (and that child comes up with some of the most mind blowing questions). It’s always been straightforward, no sugar coating with explaining the topic with him.
RAVEN: I remember that day very well when I got the call from our friend and rushing to the hospital to be with you because you were pregnant at the time.. We didn’t say much at that time but how did you feel when you was told he was gone?
KYSEANA: I was honestly in complete shock. My soul hurt so bad. It felt like everything had been taken from me. It’s a unexplainable feeling to be in. Being barely 18 years old and 36 weeks pregnant I knew i had to hold it together for the health of my baby, but babyyyy it was a tough task to do. It was a feeling that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I couldn’t concentrate, eat, drink or think straight. The only thing on my mind was lowering my blood pressure and calming down so that I could get out of that hospital and get to my baby because I knew he needed me.
RAVEN: If you could go back to that day, what would you have done differently?
KYSEANA: I’ve beat myself up over this question for 7 years now. I always ask myself, why did you go home Kyseana? Why didn’t you just stay the night again? If I could go back, I would have stayed with him again. I would have just taken my mommas car after she told me no just to be next to him.
RAVEN: What was the grieving process like for you?
KYSEANA: Oh lord. It was dark and depressing. I had so many friends and family calling and texting and stopping by, but all I really wanted at the time was to be alone. I shut everyone out. I turned my phone off and I just cried, cried, cried. I held it all together anytime I had company but anytime I was alone, I cried. It was so hard and I’m thankful Tammie Kendricks (Jamel’s mom) noticed what was going on with me. She started forcing me to talk to her about things. She assured me that I would be okay. She pushed me to enroll back into college and I eventually just pushed it out of my mind to try getting past it. It probably wasn’t the healthiest thing to do, but it worked for me at the time. I still have my days where I slip and go into a depressing state, but I realize that no matter what these kids need their mother to be strong for them. How will they make it if mommy can’t?
RAVEN: Do you feel a piece is missing from your life?
KYSEANA: A peice is absolutely missing. It has been for 7 years. Yes I have our son to look at and see him through him everyday, but it could have been me looking at the two of them everyday.
RAVEN: What has been your copping mechanisms these past seven years? How do you manage to stay strong?
KYSEANA: I honestly try to just keep myself busy, I focus in on our memories vs today. Doing crafts and painting has helped out recently as well. I want to get more in tune with painting how i feel. The only thing that keeps me going strong are my two beautiful, smart, caring boys. They know when mommy isn’t herself or when its hurting me and they always reassure me that everything is going to be ok. You never know how strong you are until you have to be just that. I have my talks with Jamel while I’m alone. I go to his grave site and just sit and watch.
RAVEN: Your son never got to meet his father.. How did you incorporate his father in his life without him physically being there?
KYSEANA: Well, I didn’t really have a choice as far as his name goes. *laughs out loud* I agreed to compromise and give him a son named after him when we found out what we were having. Nana has a enormous collage of Jamel’s life that we sit and look at each time we stop by. Baby Jamel has his dad’s trophies in his room and plays sports and follows behind alot of things he did as a child growing up.
RAVEN: Did you ever think you would have more children?
KYSEANA: I told myself I would never have another child again after Jamel passed away. I didn’t even want to date again. I remember crying one day saying no one would ever be good enough to be with me after what he’s shown me as a friend and lover. To this day, no one comes close still. *laughs out loud*
RAVEN: If you could say one thing to your son’s father today, what would you tell him?
KYSEANA: I would say I love you forever and always will. I miss you more than you will ever know. Thank you so much for this great lesson and blessing in my life. As much as it kills me inside to do this alone physically, I know that you are always here in spirits with us. Just continue to guide our son down the right path and always be there for him. He misses you so much even though he has never had the chance to see, or feel you physically. You two have such an amazing bond that no one will ever understand except you two. Until we meet again Jamel. I’ll continue to make you proud, our son proud and live life as you would want me to. 🖤💔